Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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