Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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