i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
