I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
