I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
