Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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