the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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