I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
