Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
