1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
