That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
