her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
