I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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