just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
