Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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