i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
