Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
