The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
