I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize