I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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