my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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