There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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