are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
