Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
