so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
