It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
