I love how my cats smell like pot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I touched a dick in church today
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
