hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
