I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
