That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
