Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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