I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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