this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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