this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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