She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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