Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
