i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
