Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
