He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
