Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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