Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
