I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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