Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
