Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
