I wanna bring you to show and tell
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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