I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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