im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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