It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
