Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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