you mean i was at the winter classic?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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