I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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