Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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