It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I touched a dick in church today
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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