On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
