Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize