Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
