I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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