So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
