Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize