idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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