there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize